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First and foremost, this is not going to be a "Oh, wow, I have fucked so many women, men, and any other creature that tickles my fancy that I can't wait to share my experiences with the world" blog. If you want that, I'm sure you can find plenty of blogs here to fulfill your fantasies. With this, it's just whatever I feel like talking about at any given moment. Feel free to read or not.
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My Mailbox
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Mar 17, 2012 1:08 am
6508 Views
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My message center. Feel free to leave a message and I will respond. All messages are private and confidential so ask anything you want. I will respond.
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12
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, 12 Pending
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My Dick
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May 15, 2012 10:42 pm
40 Views
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I am not a fan of music. I've tried to get into it and can't. There have been a few acts that I've liked but most of those are very old school.....NWA, Public Enemy, Beastie Boys, and Run-DMC, for example. The last rapper that I really connected to was Eminem, and I think I fed into his anger more so than actually liking what I was hearing.
That being said............
I heard this song earlier and I haven't been able to stop repeating the words. It's called MY DICK and it's by a guy calling himself MIckey Avalon. My sense of humor really didn't progress far past junior high, and by sharing this I'm going to prove it. Let's face it, after the week I've had, I needed a good laugh.
So without further adieu.........
My dick cost a late night fee
Your dick got the HIV
My dick plays on the double feature screen
Your dick went straight to DVD
My dick, bigger than a bridge
Your dick looks like a little kids
My dick large like the Chargers (the whole team)
Your shit look like you're fourteen
My dick locked in a cage, right
Your dick suffer from stage fright
My dick so hot it's stolen
Your dick look like Gary Coleman
My dick pain and big
Your dick stinks like shit
My dick got a Caesar do
Your dick needs a tweezer, dude
My dick is like super size
Your dick looks like two fries
My dick more mass than the Earth
Your dick half staff (it needs work)
My dick been there done that
Your dick said so
My dick, V.I.P.
Your shit needs an I.D.
It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus
It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus
My dick need no introduction
Your dick don't even function
My dick served a whole lunch-in
Your dick, look like a Munchkin
My dick, size of a pumpkin
Your dick look like Macauley Culkin
My dick good good lovin'
Your dick, good for nothin'
My dick bench pressed 350
Your dick couldn't shoplift at Thrifty
My dick pretty damn skimpy
Your dick hungry like a hippie
My dick don't fit down the chimney
Your dick is like a kid from the Phillipines
My dick is like an M16
Your dick, broken vending machine
My dick parts the seas
Your dick, farts and queefs
My dick, rumble in the jungle
Your dick got touched by your uncle
My dick goes to yoga
Your dick, fruit roll up
My dick, grade a beef
Your dick, made a geek
My dick, sick and dangerous
Your dick quick and painless
My dick, 'nuff said
Your dick, loves Fred
It's time we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus
It's time we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus
There's no defending this on any level, but damn it, I laughed lol.
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3
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Altered States
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May 15, 2012 12:21 am
163 Views
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Ladies and gentlemen, I feel like I'm living at the hospital.
Being slammed into by a drunk driver was bad enough but I'm over the worst of it. I got out of the house today. Did a little shopping, took the bambino to her class...........and got to go visit people in the hospital lol.
I haven't written about my mother much except for the occasional snide comment at her expense. There are a few words I can use to describe my mother......"bitch" and "cunt" are the ones that spring to mind most readily. Yeah, I know, how dare I refer to my mother in those terms? Well, respect is a two-way street, and the fact that she shat me out of her demon infested womb one sunny day years ago does not give her a free pass for a lifetime of indifference and bullshit.
Well, fast forward to today. She's in the hospital so chalk up another reason for me to buy stock in that fucking place. The thing is that she's actually pretty sick and I am unsure how to even feel about this.
I always said that when she was up in years I was going to stick her in the worst nursing home I could find, sell her house, and use the proceeds to buy an antique rug or something else extravagant that I have no desire to own. Now that I'm faced with the prospect of her actually being sick enough that I don't know if she'll get better, I'm not sure what to do. Of course, I'm not going to stick her in a home like that or do what I mentioned earlier with her house.....but I would love to. Whether that makes me a bad person or not is irrelevant.
What's fucking with my head tonight is that I do want to help her.......and maybe I love her after all. After years of not wanting to have a thing to do with her, I'm now concerned with her well being. I feel like William Hurt's character in the film ALTERED STATES. He was spending hours in an isolation tank trying to see how far back into his primordial mind he could get, and he regressed back to a caveman state and a "man of magma" form toward the end. I feel like I've regressed now. It's not necessarily a bad thing but it's me having to face a few harsh realities.
When I was a child.......6 years old to be exact........my mother had taken my sibling and I to a park one sunny summer afternoon. I had to go to the restroom and there was one about fifty yards from the playground equipment we were playing on. So I went to the restroom, copped a squat on a seat, and proceeded to perform a necessary function. In the midst of that function, a couple of teenagers walked into the restroom. To make a long story short, they orally me and one of them pissed on me for good measure. I had no idea how to explain what had happened to me to my mother........it was the 70s and I don't remember a single conversation that had ever taken place letting me know about "if a stranger tries to touch your pee pee or makes you touch his pee pee.........." I walked out of that restroom in a daze, approached my mother, and I couldn't speak. She saw that I had piss all over me, and right there in that park in front of the world she bent me over her knee and spanked me for "peeing all over" myself. I didn't say a word about it to anyone until years later. I was 13 and knew what it meant to have a cock shoved down your throat against your will. I told my mother about it and she said, "Oh, that never happened. You're such a fucking liar." At this stage in my life she was out trolling for sex more often than not and I wouldn't see her for days at a time.
I really learned to hate my mother. Not just hate her, but despise her. I couldn't stand to be around her. It made my flesh crawl.
Like John Lennon sang. "Mother, you had me, I never had you."
My relationship with her has not gotten better over the years. I can't think of anything charitable to say for her. And yet, here I am, feeling sad that she's suffering. I guess that expression "There's a thin line between love and hate" is pretty goddamn accuate.
I'm going to be a good son. At least, I think I'm going to be at this moment. I don't know if I will be saying the same in a few days or even a few hours, but right now, I guess the conscience is taking over.
And,just maybe, in the back of my mind, I may be thinking that it's not right to be a cunt just because my mother is one.
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22
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Blood
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May 14, 2012 2:35 am
155 Views
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Well, they encourage your complete co-operation
Send you roses when they think you need to smile
I can't control myself because I don't know how
And they love me for it, honestly, I'll be here for a while
So give them blood, blood, gallons of the stuff
Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough
So give them blood, blood, blood
Grab a glass because there's going to be a flood
A celebrated man amongst the gurneys
They can fix me proper with a bit of luck
The doctors and the nurses they adore me so
But it's really quite alarming 'cause I'm such an awful fuck
(Oh, thank you)
I gave you blood, blood, gallons of the stuff
I gave you all that you could drink and it has never been enough
I gave you blood, blood, blood
I'm the kind of human wreckage that you love!
All credit to My Chemical Romance
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2
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Happy Mother's Day
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May 13, 2012 8:15 am
218 Views
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Nothing fancy, nothing major, just a sincere wish to all mothers who care and a honorary wish to all the fathers that have to do double duty.
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10
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I Want To Be A Squirrel 6: Reservoir Squirrels
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May 12, 2012 6:48 pm
294 Views
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"God, what a fucking day off", I said out loud to no one in particular.
I sat on my stump and looked at the crime scene photos from Fuzzy's murder. For a murder scene it was pretty clean. The shank was beautifully made, not your standard Oakcatraz job. There were no pawprints found at the scene, there were no claw marks anywhere near Fuzzy's body. No tracks, no pellets, no feathers, not a damn thing.
Owls. Fucking owls.
The lack of tracks around Fuzzy was conspicuous. No four-legged ground creature could pull that off. It had to be a bird. A bird had to have swooped down and slid that shank into Fuzzy. Those owls at the dam had left me with a sinking feeling in my gut. It had to have been one of those crafty bastards that ordered Fuzzy whacked. I doubted an owl had done the actual deed. An owl swoops down and grabs you........after that they may find your eyeballs in Nut York and testicles in Sequoiaattle. Owls don't leave much of a trace when they kill, and Fuzzy's body was left on display for a reason.
"Hey, Chitter", I squeaked. "Any ideas about Fuzzy's killer?"
Chitter scratched behind his ear. "My guess would be a bat."
Now that made sense. Bats are vicious. They fly in at angles. You're not expecting them during the day. And they have no feathers.
"Not bad, Chit", I said. "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin?"
"I'm thinking owls are behind this whole mess", Chitter said. "You got a chipmunk running nuts for either the beavers or the badgers, but the beavers and badgers have to go to the owls to get the barkotics in the first place. I think Fuzzy pissed off the wrong person and the owls bumped him off."
I had underestimated Chitter. The dude may have been a little slow on his feet but he had a good brain. Damn fine detective.
"I think we need to pay Don Screechleone a visit", I said.
Don Schreechleone was the last of the old school crime lords. He was almost regal, in fact. I kinda liked the guy in spite of all the shit I had to investigate over the years that had his beakprints all over them. I knew he wouldn't turn anyone over to us but it wouldn't hurt to have a sit down with the guy and let hm know we knew something was up. And we'd get a hell of a lot further with him than we would with those idiot gangs at the South Central side of Redwood. The Scuirlz were beyond retarded and the Muds weren't much better. The Muds had ran the Chitz out of town at least. The Chitz were the worst. Bloodthirsty little rodents but they couldn't shoot worth a fuck. I mean, come on, anyone with any knowledge of wespons knows that you don't aim a bark gun sideways. Unless you're standing inches away from your target you aren't gonna hit shit, and I had to laugh every time I saw one of those skunkbangers because they had shaved their fur down to mid ass. Kind of hard to be a bad ass when you're advertising you want a dick in it. Out of all the shit to pick up during a stretch at Oakcatraz to show how tough they were, they picked the thing that showed they wanted to be some bunny's bitch. But in any case, dealing with those skunkbangers was dangerous.....more to them than to us because we figured out how to deal with them a long time ago. Let 'em kill each other off and let the big squirrel in the sky sort 'em out. But Don Screechleone was different. He could keep order and even the 'bangers respected him.
"We have a mole in Don Screechleone's organization", I said.
"Oh, yeah, Holy Moley", Chitter said. "Poor fuckin' guy. A mole that's actually a mole with a big mole between his eyes."
"Think I'll call him and see if I can set up a meet with the Don", I said.
Suddenly, in walked my department crush. Sweet little Katelyn O'Nuttell, the red Irish fox squirrel that made my teeth sweat. She was looking good that day. She had a little bow in her fur and she had just had her claws done, and don't get me started on her tail. That tail went all the way up and made a perfect ass out of itself. She'd been in Redwood for years but had never lost that Irish squeakcent. To be honest, the red Irish squirrels don't lose their squeakcents, and if any red blooded male squirrel of any family doesn't lose his mind a bit when he hears that feminine squeak, he's either gay or dead.
"Hey, O'Nuttell", I squeaked. "Lookin' good today. When are you gonna let a poor squirrel take you out for a night on the bark?"
"Oh, maybe when the squirrel in question doesn't come across as a jerk all the time", she winked. "You got anything on that chipmunk case yet?"
The chief walked in before I could reply. He looked furious, as badgers are wont to do, but this time he looked madder than usual.
"Bucky.....Chitter......in my office! Now!"
I'd known the chief for years......he never had been a jolly kinda guy, but this time he looked like he could chew through the ass of a skunk and ask for seconds.
Chitter and I exchanged a glance. O'Nuttell turned tail and scampered away.
I could sense my nuts were in a vise..........and not the ones I have hidden in a box under my bed.
This day kept getting better and better........
TO BE CONTINUED
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18
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Ouch but Ok..........Weekend Injury Update
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May 12, 2012 5:56 pm
319 Views
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Well, fellow bloggers, I had a complete checkup from my doc yesterday. Not the ER doc but my own doc. The only thing that wasn't caught in the ER after that fucking bastard slammed into me is a cracked rib. I thought I might have a cracked rib but I didn't sweat it too much. Honestly, I'm not bitching about anything. I'm goddamned lucky to be alive.
The first set of pain meds didn't do much. Actually, they really didn't do anything besides make my feet numb......maybe that was from the hit and run too lol......but I gotta say, I have never hurt this bad before.
I took a shower this morning with the pain meds in full effect. It wasn't easy. I only did a sink bath for the first few days afterward because it hurt so bad to move, so I was looking forward to a shower. It felt good, but pain meds only do so much when you're reaching to wash your back or even your ass. And bending over to do the feet and legs was no picnic. I had to sit down after the shower. I'm glad I took one, I feel a million times cleaner, but I could have done without the after party.
I walked the dog today. It did some good. I need to work the stiffness of my muscles out. It hurt a little but not bad enough to notice. My neighbors........whom I admit I didn't like much before I was hit but now I appreciate them.......were happy to see me out and the drunk guy two doors down offered me a beer. I didn't accept it but I would have if I wasn't already on painkillers.
My lawyer is already preparig a nice lawsuit against the asshole that nearly killed me. She's chomping at the bit for it lol. I know I'll get my medical bills reimbursed at the very least. She's going for pain and suffering as well, and I'm fine with that but I don't hold out a hell of a lot of hope for any real money to come out of it.
The guy that hit me is a repeat DUI offender. I'm the first person he's nearly killed, however, and that's a good thing because I wouldn't wish this shit on anybody.
Well, that's not true, a few people I know come to mind lol.
I'm going to get out of the house tomorrow. This is the last day I'm gonna sit here and do nothing. My wounds need to heal and they will, but if I sit here farting into the same couch cushions for too long I won't want to sit here anymore lol.
Thanks to all of you that have checked up on me, and thanks to those of you that have called, texted, sent e-mails, and IMs. It's been appreciated and makes me feel like I'm kinda popular after all lol.
Back to your regularly scheduled programming...........
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22
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Why Won't My Cock Listen?
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May 12, 2012 7:42 am
345 Views
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I keep telling my cock that since he wakes up hours before I do that the least he could do for me is to get my eggs and coffee ready every morning. So far he's ignored me. I was thinking about slapping him around but he'd enjoy that too much. Inconsiderate bastard.
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18
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Outta My System
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May 10, 2012 4:47 pm
448 Views
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Told me not to smoke drugs, but I wouldn't listen
Never thought I'd get caught and wind up in prison
Chalk it up to youth, but young age I ain't dissin'
I guess I just had to get it outta my system
Outta my system, outta my system
Oh, Lord, I'd never do it now i know what I ain't missin'
I'm glad I went and got it all outta my system
The lust of youth versus married security
I'm glad I'm here now, but just between you and me
I had to get it out and make the deals
And learn to know how it feels but that it ain't real
Outta my system, whoa outta my system
There's a way to have it all, you know I ain't kidding
Some things I know I'll never get outta my system
If you don't live now, you ain't even trying
And then you on your way to a mid-life crisis
Livin' it out, any way you feel
You can feel it in your bones, but try to deny it
Wipe it off your face but your eyes won't hide it
You knew it all along, but never made it clear
They told me not to steal cars said I'd wide up in prison
Thought I knew it all, yeah, I wouldn't listen
Chalk it up to young age, but youth I ain't dissin'
I guess I jsut had to get it outta my system
Outta my system, whoa, outta my system
I'm glad I did it all, then I know what I ain't missing
Glad I went and got it all outta my system.
All credit to My Morning Jacket
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4
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Just Thinkin'
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May 9, 2012 11:54 pm
565 Views
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If I requested random lingerie shots be sent to my e-mail, and they actually appeared, would it make my recovery go by quicker?
lol
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15
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To link to this blog (archer1972222) use [blog archer1972222] in your messages.
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