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It's still been too nice out to fucking blog
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May 15, 2012 7:57 am
243 Views
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It's been busy times around the Pussy Palace lately and I feel less like blogging and more like getting outside to enjoy the fact we are actually experiencing spring instead of month 6 or 7 of monsoon season. Also I finally went back to work yesterday and I don't think I've ever gotten up in the morning and thought "YAY, I get to go to work today!!!!" without some amount of sarcasm thrown in. I'm sure the work euphoria will wear off soon, but dammit it's good to be back at the nuthouse (and I say that in the most affectionate way)
My kiddo comes home today too and things with Asshole have been relatively smooth, so life doesn't get a lot more satisfying. Which all adds up to me not having a fuck of a lot to blog about at the moment. But don't worry...I'm sure I'll come up with something to complain/laugh about soon enough. Eventually. Especially when it starts raining again 
Do you find you blog less at certain times of year? Does blogging sort of go in a cycle for you?
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15
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That’s how rednecks celebrate Mother’s Day. With vodka and target practice
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May 13, 2012 8:40 pm
512 Views
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I had a GREAT day yesterday hanging out with BGF. Her ex-hubby (that she’s back together with despite their divorce…long story) took us and her kids out for lunch at our favourite restaurant…it was a beautiful day and we sat out on the patio eating and drinking for about 3 hours. Then we went back to her place, got a little shittered and decided that was an excellent time for some target practice with the pellet guns.
BGF and I were laughing about this last night because had Asshole been there, he would have freaked out that anyone let me near a weapon of any kind. I suppose he’s got good reason for that…he’s watched me accidentally stab myself in the hand with a hunting knife 10 seconds after picking it up, witnessed me almost shooting myself in the foot with a crossbow and grudgingly allowed me to shoot him in the leg with a paintball gun. And a pellet gun. That was for fun though.
So when I showed him the pics this morning, his reaction was slightly predictable:
Him: They let you play with a gun? Why? WHY????
Me: Calm down, they were pellet guns and we were shooting cans…it was fun!
Him: Dude, you should not be allowed near anything that can be shot or stabbed with….especially when you’re drinking
Me: Excuse me but whose idea was it to set up a wall of beer cans in your kitchen and then have a shooting contest for drinks? INSIDE YOUR KITCHEN.
Him: That was different. I was there to supervise and make sure you didn’t shoot your eye out. Or my eye out. Also? You and BGF shooting together? I’m surprised you guys didn’t decide to shoot each other, just to see how much it would hurt.
Me: I’m pretty sure that’s why the guns got put away before too long…D knows exactly how stupid we both have the potential to be
Him: Thank fuck for small favours
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15
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It's too fucking nice out to blog
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May 11, 2012 5:12 pm
923 Views
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Spring has finally arrived here and Asshole and I have been taking advantage of the nice weather the last couple days...today we hiked down to one of the local rivers. The water level is surprisingly low, given the mountains still have a shitload of snow on them.
It may look nice, but that water is cold as fuck...I stuck my hand in and immediately got hypothermia
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16
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Romance, shromance
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May 8, 2012 4:08 pm
1564 Views
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So the Sexstravagnaza Tuesday I was plotting did not pan out so far…Asshole has been tied up doing job-search type of shit most of the day (and no fucking way I’m gonna complain about that…he’s got a promising line on an oil rig job, so all body parts crossed that comes to fruition) and I’ve had one motherfucker of a headache that only went from heinous to tolerable with handfuls of advil and a 2 hour nap.
As I sit here, beer in hand (if alcohol won’t kill what’s left of this headache, nothing will), I’m thinking maybe I should be a little more proactive about injecting some romance-type shit into our sex life. Which is difficult. Because neither of us are what anyone would consider traditionally romantic. There really are no hearts and flowers and declarations of undying love. We are far more likely to banter insults back and forth than to whisper sweet-nothings. We spend more time trying to put each other in a headlock than cuddling. Probably the most seductive we’ve been is when I gave him a naked lapdance then he wrestled me to the floor and fucked me with my arms pinned over my head. Which was fucking awesome. Then there was the time he had me pinned to the couch and pretended he was going to drool in my mouth and accidentally did. So I retaliated by spitting in his mouth (which btw he dared me to do. And fyi: don’t dare me to do shit like that. Because I will). Which ended with us having sex. Because the spitting was kinda disturbingly hot.
See what I mean? Not very romantic. And a little fucking weird too.
I suppose it’s not that we aren’t romantic at all…we just have our own brand of romance. Like I’d love to go rent us a hotel room because that’s probably our favourite romantic kind of thing to do…some of the best sex we’ve had has been hotel sex. A couple times in the past we’ve driven up to Campbell River for the night, rented a room at the only hotel on the island with theme rooms (hella fun, btw…our favourite is the Safari Room), gone out to the strip club and come back to the room for a sex marathon that takes a few days top recover from. However finances are not permitting so I’d like to come up with something creative and fun that doesn’t cost money. And the only thing I’ve come up with so far is sexual FUBAR ( a drinking game with cards that we customized for sexual shit instead of drinks). I’d like us to have a fun evening that resembles something with romance in it, partly because we should do this kind of shit on a regular basis and also because I want to do something nice for him because he took such good care of me after my surgery. But our style of romance. Which is to say kind of anti-romance.
Any suggestions?
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21
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A walk in the woods
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May 7, 2012 3:10 pm
1728 Views
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I got off my ass today and left my apartment. Because I cannot stand sitting around doing sweet fuck all any more. So I went and picked up Asshole and we had a really nice day together. We picked up a bottle of Fireball and went for a walk down by the river…very nice and scenic and we both cracked up when we stumbled on this picnic table in a clearing that we both used to drink and smoke pot at in our teen years.
We’re walking on a path next to the river and Asshole starts reminiscing…
Him: Hey, that’s the cliff I jumped off of when I had a broken ankle and went swimming with a cast on my foot!
Me: I’ve heard this story before…didn’t you cut the cast off with bolt cutters and a hacksaw after?
Him: Yep. I got drunk and got in a fight with some guy half my size and he knocked me out. Apparently I got up and kept partying all night. Then the next day my ankle was killing me so I finally went to the hospital. And then 2 weeks later I went back and demanded they either cut the cast off or I would. So you know what happened then.
Me: You’re a dumbass, you know that, right?
Later, in the woods…
Him: Oooo…look at that tree…I’m gonna climb it!
Me: Have at it, monkeyboy…those bushes should cushion the fall
Then later I almost had him convinced to have sex in the woods until some guy walked by with his dog. Asshole then decided it is too soon post-surgery for sex and demanded I go to the doctor tonight to get a note giving me the ok…
Me: I’m telling you, I’m all good. And I am NOT giving you a doctor’s note. That is the dumbest thing I ever heard in my life.
Him: I refuse to be the guy who fucked his girlfriend then she died from it
Me: First off, no one will die..I may be sore after but you cannot kill me with sex. Although I kinda hope you put in that sort of effort. And second of all, fuck YOU, if you fucked me to death you’d brag about that for the rest of your life
Him: This is true. And fuck you. No doctor’s note, no sex. That is IT. I’m putting my foot down
Me: Yeah, we'll see how long that will last…I haven’t even tried yet. You have no self control, and believe me…tomorrow, I will be using that to my advantage
Him: You’re an evil bitch
Me: I know. You’re welcome
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11
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I don’t think I recommend this
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May 6, 2012 12:28 pm
2053 Views
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There’s a salon/spa in London that’s offering “an organic bull sperm treatment fresh from an Aberdeen-Angus bull on a Cheshire farm” as a conditioning treatment for your hair.
That’s right. Fucking bull semen. In your hair. As conditioner. For which you pay $138.
For bull spunk. In your fucking hair. I felt that bore repeating. Because of the bull semen. In your hair.
Ok, first? If I want semen in my hair? I will ask Asshole to oblige. Which he won’t because he knows far better (if it ain’t going in my mouth, it’s landing somewhere on the neck down. Because I don’t do cum in my hair or anywhere near my eyes). And second? If I want farm animal semen in my hair I will go to a farm and steal some (btw, there is so much wrong with that sentence, I can’t even handle it) because no fucking way I would pay $138 for a bull’s 6-roper. For that matter I don’t even want to know who has the job of Head Bull Cum Collector at this farm in Cheshire. Do you need a veterinary degree or is it more like an animal fluffer? Either way, that is not something I’d be boasting about at my high school reunion, that’s for fucking sure.
As far as organic…how can bull cum not be organic? It’s fucking CUM for fucks sakes. Mind you, it’s definitely not vegan either…but neither is any cum when you think about it. Unless it’s cum from a vegan. Which would automatically make it vegan except humans are made of meat. But does that only matter if the person’s a cannibal?
Fuck, now I’m confused. And have an overwhelming urge to wash my hair
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17
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Flirtation failure
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May 5, 2012 8:02 pm
2380 Views
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I figured something out today.
I am really fucking terrible at flirting. Seriously. I suck.
So I was bored out of my mind and went to work to visit my boss and ended up suggesting he take off for a bit between clients and I’d hang out and answer the phone and shit because really, there is no difference sitting at home on my ass and sitting at work on my ass.
Then a guy came in for a haircut…and yes, I know I’m not supposed to be working yet but fuck it, guys haircuts are easy and take no time at all. And I could use the money. Anyfuckingway, I’m cutting his hair and we’re chatting away and he’s cute and then it hits me: I think he’s flirting with me. And I’m doing a shitty job of flirting back.
Herein lies the problem…anytime anyone flirts with me in what would be considered a normal manner, I’m like a fucking deer in the headlights. Somewhat subtle, complimentary flirting either a) flies right over my head because I think being married for so long I just continue to assume no one is interested, b) makes me suspicious because I’m paranoid and spend far to much time questioning motives or c) makes me cynical because I’ve spent too long on this site and seen every type of sycophantic type of behaviour that is designed for the sole purpose that all roads lead to getting in someone’s pants, if you suck up and act like a fucking agreeable sheep for long enough. Not that this last one ever really works but I’ve seen it enough it makes me vomit in my mouth and die a little inside every time I witness it. So not only does regular flirting not seem to work so well on me, I can’t even remember how to flirt back when it does.
I have no idea when exactly I forgot how to flirt. Not that I was ever all that good at it because even way back when, my flirting skills were always verging on non-existent or inappropriate. Now I’m to the point where I feel like a fucking idiot when I attempt to flirt like a normal person, so I mostly can’t be bothered…I either change the subject rather abruptly or start babbling about something like ear sex because I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. Ok so shit like ear sex is fucking funny and I’m way more comfortable cracking a joke or saying something stupid because humour is my default, especially in situations where my only other option is to stare blankly and look like a moron. Smooth I am not.
So what do I do today when the cute guy flirts? I first do nothing, because I have no fucking clue the conversation actually went there. Then when it becomes more obvious he’s flirting I get suspicious he’s trying to distract me so he can rob me when I’m done his haircut. Then I decide robbing the salon in broad daylight is likely not on his mind so I fall back my tried-and-true method of changing the subject to something completely unsexy like my kid and the mountain of dirty laundry he generates. All while the voice in my head is yelling at me “you fucking idiot, he’s just flirting with you…why are you bringing up your fucking LAUNDRY???? Flirt back, flirt baaaaack dumbass!!!”
Then I changed the subject to baconaise.
It’s sad. Really, it is.
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26
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Well I know I’m turned on now
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May 4, 2012 8:15 pm
2606 Views
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I was just watching some of the Chicago Blogger Bash on cam (AWESOME to see everyone and they look like they’re having a hella good time!) and goodfuckingchrist, now I remember why I hate camming…some of the comments from people watching are just fucking idiotic. By far my favourite was this gem:
“I want to tongue-punch you in the fart box”
Sweet. Raptor. Jebus.
REALLY????
Also, some guy is spamming his phone number. I suggest anyone who sees it, start prank calling him immediately. I’m pretty sure he’d appreciate 5631 phone calls asking if he’s interested in having his taint slathered in baconnaise.
If you hurry, you might still be able to view some of the fun live on cam 
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15
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Some complaining. Then some sexual shit. To make up for the complaining.
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May 4, 2012 4:19 pm
2532 Views
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So this morning I get woken up at 6:15 to “Moooommmm…the toilet is clogged and it’s about to overflow…HELP!!!”
Fuuuuck.
I staggered to the bathroom still half-asleep and attack the toilet with a plunger, not remembering that this is the sort of shit I’m probably not supposed to be doing right now. After a successful unclogging (take THAT, stupid low-flow, environmentally better toilet that doesn’t flush worth a fuck and forces me to monitor tp usage because the fucking thing clogs faster than you can say shit-monkeys) I try to straighten up and…
Can’t straighten up. Because of the sharp pains. I try walking it off and that doesn’t do anything except make it worse. Then I start to feel like I’m going to pass out and stumble over to the couch and have to sit for a couple minutes with my head between my legs and as soon as I’m sure I’m not going to faint I lay down on the couch in the fetal position until the stabbing pain in my stomach goes away.
It’s not even 7 AM and this day is obviously not off to a good start. Fuck you, morning. Pass the painkillers.
A couple hours later I remember a realtor is coming to show my apartment and it’s a fucking mess. So I cleaned up as much as I could (which was enough to make it look less like a hobo squat and really nothing more. Because fuck it. I don’t want anyone buying it anyway) but it was enough that I fucking know I overdid it and ended up having to take more painkillers and fucking nap. Then the realtor and prospective buyer showed up and spent exactly 30 seconds looking around.
Are you fucking serious? I hurt myself for 30 whole seconds of apartment viewing? Go fuck yourselves. And each other. Preferably with a rusty chainsaw.
On the plus side I distracted myself with my Magic Wand today and had an EXCELLENT orgasm. The kind of orgasm where you’re still having aftershocks an hour later. Which was all kinds of awesome and sort of made up for the fact I’m still not allowed to have any kind of penetrative sex for 4 more weeks. But I already know there’s no fucking way I’m going to be able to hold out that long. Mostly because Asshole and I are penetration-type people. And no amount of manual/oral stimulation is gonna take the place of his fingers and/or dick. Especially now that I know how orgasms work as effectively as prescription narcotics for temporary pain relief
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This is NOT the toilet paper you're looking for...
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May 4, 2012 8:57 am
2661 Views
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My son informed me this morning that today is Star Wars Day. Because it's May 4th...as in "MAY the FOURTH be with you"
So go hug an ewok or get dressed up an a Princess-Leia-as-Jabba's-slave outfit or use your Jedi mind tricks to get someone to make you a sandwich or something
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11
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I’m boooooored today. Is it obvious?
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May 3, 2012 3:04 pm
2827 Views
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Since this is my 3rd post in several hours, the answer to that would be a resounding fuck yes.
I. Am. Bored. Out. Of. My. Fucking. Mind. And this sitting at home recovering thing? Suck hairy donkey balls.
I’m now feeling better enough that I want to get up and do shit. The problem is any time I do anything for more than 5 minutes I either need to lie down for an hour to recover from whatever it is or I think I can do shit I really am not supposed to be doing (like transferring heavy wet bedding out of the washer into the dryer) and then by the evening I’m sore as fuck and spend the next day not being able to get off the couch. Stupid inside stitches. Hate you very much.
I went into work yesterday to visit my boss and found out he’s telling all the clients I had gender reassignment and will be answering to Stanley from now on. I laughed so hard it fucking hurt and then asked him if I should stuff a dildo down my pants when I start working again, just for the sake of realism. Then we had to stop having that discussion because I think the new girl who just started working at the shop was getting a little freaked out and it’s far to early to let her know what kind of people she’s really working with (those kind of people? Would be the fucking weird kind. Entertaining, yes. But weird). Best not to scare her quite yet. There's plenty of time for that.
Asshole was going to come visit me today but he’s super tired from riding his bike all over hell’s half-acre from the last 2 days. I’ve never seen anyone ride a bike like he does. He’s a fucking maniac…he pedals at the speed of sound, weaves all through traffic hoping to give the people in cars a heart attack and does all this with a cigarette hanging out of his face. I’ve seen him run and smoke at the same time too (he used to compete in running races when he was younger and he’s fucking fast and has lungs of iron despite 25+ years of smoking) and trust me, there is nothing funnier than watching a guy do some kind of high-endurance-type exercise while puffing away on a smoke.
My son has taking over the nagging torch from Asshole this week and keeps giving me shit for trying to do shit around the house and telling me to sit down, he’ll do the dishes/vacuum/do laundry. He’s been a big help since he got home and between him and Asshole, I don’t know what I would have done without them the last week and a half…probably starved to death in an avalanche of dirty laundry. I think I owe both of them an awesome turkey dinner with all the trimmings…which I will make for them as soon as I’m able to lift the 10 lb turkey out of the freezer.
What’s your favourite food to make for a nice dinner?
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To link to this blog (dirtygirl411) use [blog dirtygirl411] in your messages.
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